Uncharted 3 review

UNCHARTED, and still not UNSHIRTED

Uncharted is the boyfriend who is unspeakably handsome, the one who enthralls you with every gesture, the guy who’s hand you just want to grab and face you want to touch, he talks and you watch his mouth move while you sigh to yourself, “He’s so pretty.”  Unfortunately, everything else about him is silly and bland, he thinks he’s smarter and more interesting than he actually is, and no one will tell him because we all just want to cuddle him and say, “Shhhh, there there, shhhh.”  Liz Lemon, you know what I’m talking about.

Uncharted is so pretty.

Every level is saturated with life and vivid colors, the locales are exotic and beautiful, dripping in detail and wonder.  The French castle, the London bar, the shifting desert, the plethora of hot men; it’s all very lovely.  And, there are moments like sex, tense, every sense and muscle engaged, you feel like you’re going to explode if it lasts much longer, but you want it to last much longer.  The team at Naughty Dog does mood and atmosphere very well, and the game would be amazing to watch- not as much to play.

”Remember, that time with that thing we won’t talk about?”

This will be the vomiting bile part, prepare.  What the fuck is going on in this game?  We have a villain whose vagina, British accent and cultured bitch-ness are supposed to be enough for us as a character.  She has a henchman, also cultured, well-dressed, and accented who does all sorts of things to annoy you and be evil.  It is never explained why they are doing any of this over the top and overly cruel things.   Drake and Sully, the two main protagonists, seem to have a history with her and everyone else, which they hint at, but which is not enough to explain; it ends up feeling like the characters are having an insider conversation that you are not cool enough to understand because you weren’t there.  Every relationship is the story is this way, Drake and his always-implied-never-shown  love interest apparently got married never did we see the marriage or hear that it would happen, but it doesn't matter because they're not together any more- no reason for us to know why.  Sully, Drake’s father figure and buddy, and Drake infer and chuckle about previous adventures-  we weren’t there, but it was really great.  Dumb.  We’ve now seen two other games with these characters, why not have them refer to those?  The writers attempted to tell a lot with a little, an admirable goal, but ended up telling nothing.

”How many guys you kill today?”

The combat made me want to cry.  The game, which seems so realistic with its rich characters, it’s thick atmosphere, and it’s pseudo history, slaps you in the face when it comes to having Drake take on fifty armed men, get shot repeatedly, climb for hours, walk through the desert for days with no food or water, fall from great distances, and get beaten by very large men and then shake it all off like a professional wrestler who just got hit with a metal chair, staggers, and then rallies.  I was worried about Drake, “Baby, you can’t keep up like this.  Take a nap.  Bodies can’t take this kind of abuse.”  It breaks the game for me, he doesn’t seem heroic or plucky, it seems farcical, and events lose meaning if there are no consequences or real danger.  You can’t ask me to care and worry about Drake and have him take on armies and jump off cliffs without even a sprained ankle.   The controls were also not great making combat even more of a chore.

The men just come and come, which usually I’m a fan of, but, as in the other Uncharted games, just becomes annoying. I groaned every time I defeated one wave of twelve heavily armed men which then were replaced by even more.  It’s also hard to care about Drake when he is murdering all these guys (and yet when the villain stands a few feet away unaware of his very armed presence he doesn’t shoot her, because now he’s moral).  I attempted to pugilize most of the enemies, and even though many were armored, because I wanted the killing to end- Drake’s fists never hurt.  I also didn’t get why these mercenaries were so dedicated to their tasks, the city is falling down, and the building is on fire why are you still here and trying to kill me?  Why are you running into the flaming palace to kill me?

Uncharted 3 is as close to a movie as video games have come, great actors, great sets, White House- exploding moments, but the gameplay is subpar, running from a wave of water with the camera behind you and being unable to see where you were going, combat that was frustrating and cruel, but through it all I wanted to see the ancient temples and make it to the next big movie moment.  Like the protagonist, the game is sexy, but the story is uncharted.  Like Nathan Drake the game looks delicious and you want it to open itself up to you and just get it on, but Drake never so much as takes his shirt off. It’s a tease, beautiful to look at, but nothing underneath.

Sexy Salim