Naughty Saints

Saints Row the Third review

                First of all, it lets you choose the size of your cock- and pretty much every other part of you, but your cock, your bulge, your manhood. Oh, and if you choose to be female then you can (yawn) orchestrate your cleavage.  Saints Row the Third is Volition’s latest sandbox gangsta extravaganza.  Think Grand Theft Auto without boundaries of good taste or any sense of reality.  It is what one would call a riotous rampage of romping.  It is the gay man’s favorite genre- camp, and it does it well.

                Saints Row knows what you like, sexy men- you create them with the robust character creation tools, voluptuous women, they’re everywhere.  The wardrobe is a gay man’s dream cheesy 80’s, hipster, brooding artist, cross-dressing, or just take it all off and show the world your bounty (scrambled, but hey, it’s yours).  The game gives you cool and outrageous weapons pretty early on, tank, giant purple dildo bat, satellite missile strikes, helicopters, rocket  launchers, deadly blowup sex toys, flying motorcycles, all of them are yours.  The digs are lavish and fabulous, you can own anything from a trashy apartment strewn with weapons or a broken down wrestling ring/casino, to fancy bondage clubs and luxurious penthouses.  The game offers you an open and depraved city who loves you for your infamy and energy drinks.

                Ever escorted a tiger in a convertible- you will.  I do not want to give much away, but the game is over the top.  Imagine any outrageous Hollywood B film or action blockbuster and you will see it in this game.  You can throw yourself in front of cars for insurance fraud money, escort prostitutes, leap from any number of flying devices, enter a professional wrestling match or even go inside the internet, and so much more.  I haven’t even mentioned the main story yet which in itself is enormously entertaining.  The voice acting is spot on and the characters memorable and lovable it’s filled with bizarre twists and turns and huge Hollywood moments.  The game is hilarious, with all its bombast and pomposity its characters believe in the world and take it seriously, the game is without a laugh track; it presents itself to you without offering any rib poking or “Eh?  Eh?” to tell you it is funny.   It is beefcake and sexy without being sexist, the men and the women sweat sex, but the both sweat equal amounts of it.  Every hairdo of clothing piece can be worn by men or women and work.

                Saints Row the Third is not without its problems.  The controls are pretty smooth, but wonky at times; I had a little trouble aiming, and sometimes downed light posts completely blocked me.  It has two player multiplayer which is fun, but I would've liked to add another friend or two, and when you help someone else with story missions they don't follow you to your game.  Saints Row will overwhelm you with enemies until you enter a safe spot which are scarce when you start the game, and earning money takes forever, none of these are deal breakers though.  The game is pure fun.

                If you're looking for a sexy, silly, salatious romp you owe it to yourself and your favorite bone (funny or not) to check this game out.  It looks nice, sounds great, and hits all the right notes.  So, call you fellow homo's and start streaking.